I want to start this blog with a statement to alert any friends, family, or strict conservatives to warn them of what I am about to share, but it kind of defeats the purpose of what I feel I have to share. Not for the people I just listed, but for the people for which I started this blog: my widdas.
I had sex. I had a little too much of it after Kevin died, and a little too quickly. Kevin and I were unable to have sex once he became ill, and when he passed away, it had been six months since we had done so. I was mourning his loss, numb to the extreme, and aching for comfort. I was also a human, a woman, with a need. I did not have any really close guy friends in which I could propose an offer of “Friends with Benefits”, a term of which I would never have used before this time. A term that made me a bit sick to my stomach, but one that I finally understood. It was something I FELT I needed (capitalized for purpose).
I sought out a FWB (friends with bennies) online. I had a steady guy for a few months, one who could let me be a widow, let me be a woman, let me feel something other than pain for just a few moments. I was numb, I wasn’t dumb. But when that fell through, I still felt the need. This is where the problem began.
I will not share with you specific details, but I went from numb to dumb very quickly. I sought out more physical relationships, instead of focusing my attention where I should have, on healing, and it is only this that I regret.
Many widows have posed the question, of seeking out friends with benefits, on forums and support groups. I did the same on a very popular forum, and for this, I was “flamed”. By “flamed” for those who don’t know the lingo, some other widow(er)s chose to curse at me, call me stupid, immoral, that I was a sinner, and some even through in the occasional bible verse. I grew up Mennonite, I know what the bible says. My decision to choose the route I did, sexually, was strictly based on my needs at the time. I have since tried my best never to judge a widow for what she or he feels her/his needs are. I am not in their spot, feeling what they are. What I felt at that time in my life, was that I NEEDED that type of a relationship.
My first FWB relationship was helpful, and healing for me. It allowed me to cross a line I had never crossed, it allowed me to reconnect with my body again. It allowed me to breathe and let loose, if only a little. I have no regrets for the first relationship. The others, however, were detrimental. I had crossed the line too much. It was no longer about healing, but about denying myself feeling PAIN. I didn’t want to feel it. There is a very subtle line between seeking out a companion to help you through a difficult time, and becoming obsessed or out of control. Before you enter any type of relationship of this kind, you need to figure out your whys:
-What draws you to this type of relationship?
-Is this an escape, or are you entering this to enrich yourself and your needs?
-What do you hope this will help you achieve?
-Are you hoping this relationship may lead to a dating relationship or one of significance?
-How do you plan to keep yourself safe in this type of relationship?
-Do you have moral objections to this type of relationship, or did you in the past? What made you change your mind?
Observe your answers in detail, share them with your best friends, and other widows in a private manner if possible. Confide only in those who you believe can give you an un-biased opinion of your situation. This should not be an escape, it should be about needs or desires for release, not escape. If you are hoping this will lead to a more fruitful relationship down the road, you need to re-evaluate if you are emotionally ready for that potential relationship, let alone the phsyical one. Evaluate your moral commitments to yourself now. Make rules for yourself and stick to them!
I write this today, and am exposing a very difficult part of my life, a part of my life that until today, has only been shared with my most intimate of friends. I am scared to share this, but I feel I have to, for my widows.
At some point, you may consider this route. At some point, you will wonder, and I do not want you to experience the hurtful words that were written to me. I want you to know that whatever you decide, it has to be OK for you and your situation, but you need to do it safely. Use protection, choose wisely, do not go overboard. We all come to widowhood through unique situations, and mine may not be a reason for you to choose the route that I did.
I hope you will feel free to post here, but if not, please email me directly at BrendaBoitson at gmail dot com. I rarely give out my email address, but I want widows who do not feel comfortable discussing this publicly, to know that they can confide in me. I want you to have an outlet to discuss this, without judgment, which was not an option for me at the time.