For the past several weeks I’ve felt a calm in my heart and soul. Sadness has been creeping in – thinking about Kevin, putting down our oldest dog, coming up on the due date of the child we lost in miscarriage – but over the past several weeks I’ve never once felt that I couldn’t handle it, or that it was too overwhelming to comprehend.
As I walked into my office one day this week I wanted to thank my coworker and tell her “I think that maybe you’ve been praying for me lately, and I appreciate it.” But then I didn’t. I figured maybe what I’m feeling is the antidepressants finally working their chemical magic. Maybe it’s the year-long depression lifting, maybe it’s the joy of the season carrying me through. I wanted to attribute it to anything but faith.
But I can’t deny that I feel something-that I feel a presence, a calm understanding, and most of all, a belief. It doesn’t change the feelings I have on religion, but the disappointments I have held against faith for so many years are lifting and it feels like a relief. I find myself in quiet reflection that something powerful is out there, and I feel comforted by it. My community of people, the ones who speak up, who pray, who believe, who meditate, who honor, trust and support one another – this community has carried me in their hearts for months. You have all seen me through some serious heartache this year, and honestly, for the past 8 years.
I know in my suffering I’ve left some of you behind and not been able tocare for you as I would have done before. I regret that. I’m learning to live with those losses, those disappointments, those neglects. We have to carry one another through tragedies and struggles because one day we will need that community as well.
I feel incredibly blessed even while my depression and sadness lingers. I know I’m not alone. Every word that each of you has shared openly and in private – about yo
ur own suffering through miscarriage, the loss of partners, the ache for a solid relationship, the fear of poverty, your brushes with bigotry and hate – they have helped me in my search for empathy this year. You have shown me compassion that I felt I was losing. Through your pain, and my pain, I see that we suffer and celebrate together.
Thank you for walking this with me. I hope I can walk with you too.