I have learned to never look ahead too far because if I make too forward of a plan, often I end up not achieving it and end up feeling guilty/sad about that. It is not just in goal setting, but in dreaming. I have learned a lot about lost dreams with losing my husband at the end of 2008. Now having faced an entire year plus without him I can finally embrace dreaming a bit, but knowing that in an instant it can change or be lost.
Looking ahead I know that just because dreams and goals may change or be lost, it should not stop me from having, creating, or trying to achieve them. Looking ahead to 2010 I see a lot of good things, but still carry apprehension about experiencing them alone.
Many friends have children, are married, recently engaged, or live a distance away. I really do not have any BESTIES that are right next door and can be with me at a moment’s notice. It’s a bit disappointing, but it is adulthood. Even I as a best friend cannot always provide that to my friends with obligations. Life has certainly changed. While I am still not 100% comfortable doing life alone and I do miss Kevin dearly, and while I still wish often for a companion to enjoy life with, I also realize that because of these feelings, I have put my life a bit on hold. Why is that? Why should I be ‘on hold’ because of what I don’t have? I can still create life and DO life without these people, and still enjoy those moments.
Doing life ALONE has never been an appealing thought. I think most of us feel that doing certain activities require a partner to enjoy it with: whether a companion, friend, boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, sibling, parent. Most of the things we do in life include someone else. So when there is no one else to share it with if they are either no longer alive, present, available or even just interested, the thought process has to adjust. I can do life alone. It’s not that I really want to, but I don’t have much of a choice. But just because I may not have a choice in someone else enjoying these things with me, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still DO or enjoy them. I am going to.
Which leads to my thoughts on 2010. I am going to enjoy life. Whether I am by myself, or with someone, I am still going to do things and enjoy them. Even if it means most of the camera shots are me taking them of myself, I can still go camping, fish, hike, bike, workout, travel, explore. I have been my main companion for over 25 years, so why not continue that pattern?
When it comes to health goals for 2010, it’s also pretty exciting. 14 lbs down and a long way to go, by summer I WILL have made significant progress. So much so in fact that I should have half of my goal completed: 50 lbs. 50 lbs. down is going to put me back to my high school weights which aren’t fabulous, but are still pretty good. I will be coming out of plus size clothing and maybe even feel confident enough to sport some hot swimsuits on the beach while I surf fish. Why not?
When I look ahead I feel excited. There may be people to enjoy some of these things with, but either way, I’m going to plan for what suits my schedule so I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I am going to move forward, both in my health, and in my mental progress as well.
Heading into the second full year of life without Kevin is another challenge, but I don’t feel it will be nearly as hard as the first. 2008 sucked the life out of me with being Kevin’s caretaker and then burying him. 2009 was about survival, and learning life without my partner. 2010 is about learning life with me.
I’m looking ahead for once, and it looks promising and exciting. I think 2010 is going to be a great year.