I find the job of weathermen interesting. They’re paid to study the weather and forecast the future. They put percen!tages on what may/may not occur, their warnings predictions…..and I really think that 75% of the time they’re wrong. Yet we still tune in every time we hear the word “snow, ice, etc” and pray that for once, they’re correct. Unless you really really hate snow…….but if you live here, you at least have to like it a LITTLE. It is magical when it occurs here, because so often we don’t end up getting hit by it. So…I was hoping for snow, I’ll admit. I’m not working, I have a 4wd vehicle….why WOULDN’T I want some snow to brighten up my day? But instead…it’s rain. Lots and lots of cold icky rain on a day I wanted to spend outside..now, I’m just drying off at Prince street cafe drinking my coffee, eating my breakfast (at 2pm I might add), and thinking…this sucks! This was supposed to be my fun central market/blogging/coffee day!
So last night stunk too. It was rough and raw and real. But by the time I was ready to fall asleep, I felt an odd calm. The realization that despite my grief, I really am going to be ok. That’s a really weird feeling. To feel such immense pain and loss, and yet, knowing you’re going to be ok. It feels completely surreal and unexpected. I can’t describe it, and many can’t imagine that feeling. It’s almost like being in this HORRIBLE car crash, and everything horrible that can happen, happens, but you’re still alive. And because you’re still alive, you feel blessed in an odd way, and know that you can survive this, if you survived that. It is just weird. It felt like Kevin was there telling me, its ok to be sad now Brenda, but you’re allowed to feel happy too. You are.
I don’t know how I feel about that. I am happy despite my grief….and sometimes I think, others don’t feel this way after they lose someone, why do I? All I can say is I feel that I’ve been given this amazing, awestruck gift. The short time in which I was able to enjoy Kevin in my life, left a lifelong lasting effect on my outlook. To have had someone like him in my life, even if just over 3 short years, has changed my life, my outlook, my perspective completely. He was my miracle. I can’t express to you all enough, that even though we prayed for a miracle everday for complete healing, his death was not us losing the miracle. It was just part of a plan bigger than all of us.
You don’t have to be christian, or jewish, or jehovah’s witness or any of those…you just have to have faith. I classify myself as christian, non denominational….or mainly, just a person of faith. I think it sounds much better, and people tend to hold you at a different level if you say that you’re a person of faith, rather than of religion. Anyways, that’s me off on a rabbit trail….the heart of the matter (oh geez, this post is all full of cliches!), is that life is about faith, love, heart, soul, adventure, spontaneity, passion, zest, heartache, destruction, irony, and pain….Our lives are a meshing of conflicting emotions every single second.
I have so many conflicting emotions about my life being gone. I think….why me? Who doesn’t ask that at least a few times in their life? I think…Kev, why aren’t you here, why aren’t I there? I believe in Miracles from heaven, yet know that my idea of a miracle is not always God’s. I know that praying for patience means you are going to be tried, and tried again. I know that these diseases are so destructive, and that someday, God may give someone the talents to cure them, and prevent them. I know that I have been given the GIFT (yes, read my wording carefully here, gift!) of a new life and that I don’t want to screw it up. I know that for as much love as I felt for Kev, that my pain is just as powerful. I believe that God only gives us as much as we can handle, and although I feel like I can’t handle this, somehow I am, and I am grateful that it’s me going through this, and not someone else who may be completely destroyed by this. I often think that Kevin taught me to love more than anyone/anything else, and he gave me so many gifts to use on others. I thank God for the gift of Kevin’s love and that I got this opportunity, unlike others. I think often, is this really happening?..and then reality hits and it levels me. I cry out of nowhere, and sob for the life I’ve lost. I dream of being happy again, and pray everyday that this hadn’t happened, yet knowing and acknowledging that God’s plans and purposes are so much bigger than my pain. I believe that God has not abandoned me, and although I struggle every second with my faith and my belief, I know that God is standing with me..that I am being held up by him and all of your strength, love and prayers.
I still believe, despite it all. I trust I will be brought through this, just as Kevin was brought from his pain and suffering into heaven. It doesn’t mean that the pain will cease, that my tears will dry up, or that my heart will be healed. I will always have the pain of my loss, I will be brought to tears for the rest of my life when I think of Kev, and my heart will always bear the scar of his death. But I will learn to cope, and I will learn to walk in the light, bearing my scars to the world.
Somehow, walking with my branded heart exposed to the world through this blog, and eventually through the novel, my journey will and is helping others. I am forever overjoyed by others telling me how inspiring our journey has been, how it has helped them in the trials of their lives. I am not naive to think I am the only one walking a painful journey. I know I am not alone, and I know that because I have seen and felt what I have, that others will be blessed through the sufferings of my journey. I know that one day I will be blessed by my pain.
My faith is true….it is not unfaltering, but it is true. I’m not here on a pedastal…I am at the feet of God crying out every day for my sufferings, for my pain, asking why and just asking to be held up amongst these rough waters. I stumble, and I’ve fallen. I’m crying and I’m sobbing. I’m pleading and screaming and burning up inside with rage and illness of heart. But my faith is true. And faith unquestioned is dull. Faith is my journey….
love this blog…the pain is powerful and a gift I too believe.
And you are passing the gift forward as you write…
-will keep you in my prayers
Go, girl!!! I believe as we are stretched in feeling pain, it increases our ability to feel joy. One of the unexpected side-affects of grief. Unbelievable if you haven’t experienced it. Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Cheering for you as you continue your journey. – Jean
Very Raw Emotions! I am sitting at work reading this and bawling….Yet it’s very obvious you are strong enough to make it through this-and you are right-you WILL be ok….