On Friday my therapist told me I needed to recapture the days that I lost in Kevin’s death: our anniversary, his birthday. The past few years, even my birthday has felt lost because of his death. I don’t really know how to begin doing this, but I am trying to start today.
I woke up, knowing it was Kevin’s would-be 39th birthday, and I didn’t feel that SINK. The SINK is that feeling where my heart falls, takes with it my throat, and launches onto my stomach before resting unsoundly there. The SINK. It was a relief not to feel that.
I contemplated if I was going to even mention online that it would have been his birthday. But by not acknowledging it is, I feel like I’m ignoring it. I don’t want to ignore the life he lived. So, I posted a picture of him blowing out birthday candles from the Steelers cake I ordered for his last living birthday: #36.
I now feel encompassed in him today. I got asked by one particular person how I was today, and I teared up. I’m good, I really am. It’s just that someone besides me acknowledges that today could, potentially, be tough.
Tonight I’m having dinner with the people in chapter two of my life. Afterwards, I’ll pick up my motorcycle, which is finally up and running and ready to get on the road (another Chapter Two goal-COMPLETED). Those things make this day about me. He’s still in this day though, but it’s because he’s in my heart.
Recapturing the day for me is about figuring out how to be a whole in my new life, while still incorporating the reminiscences of the past-a past that made me the woman I am today. I am still fine tuning this process, adjusting myself and those who walk with me along the way.
How are you recapturing your today?