Recapture The Day

On Friday my therapist told me I needed to recapture the days that I lost in Kevin’s death: our anniversary, his birthday.  The past few years, even my birthday has felt lost because of his death.  I don’t really know how to begin doing this, but I am trying to start today.

I woke up, knowing it was Kevin’s would-be 39th birthday, and I didn’t feel that SINK.  The SINK is that feeling where my heart falls, takes with it my throat, and launches onto my stomach before resting unsoundly there.  The SINK.  It was a relief not to feel that.

I contemplated if I was going to even mention online that it would have been his birthday.  But by not acknowledging it is, I feel like I’m ignoring it.  I don’t want to ignore the life he lived.  So, I posted a picture of him blowing out birthday candles from the Steelers cake I ordered for his last living birthday: #36.

I now feel encompassed in him today.  I got asked by one particular person how I was today, and I teared up.  I’m good, I really am.  It’s just that someone besides me acknowledges that today could, potentially, be tough.

Tonight I’m having dinner with the people in chapter two of my life.  Afterwards, I’ll pick up my motorcycle, which is finally up and running and ready to get on the road (another Chapter Two goal-COMPLETED).  Those things make this day about me.  He’s still in this day though, but it’s because he’s in my heart.

Recapturing the day for me is about figuring out how to be  a whole in my new life, while still incorporating the reminiscences of the past-a past that made me the woman I am today.  I am still fine tuning this process, adjusting myself and those who walk with me along the way.

How are you recapturing your today?

Brenda Sieglitz

Brenda Lee Sieglitz is an author and public speaker whose topics focus on travel, grief, and nature. Widowed in 2008 at 24 years of age, Brenda is an advocate for sarcoma patients, the widowed community, and conservation through her volunteerism with the National Park Service, Lancaster County Conservancy, Pennsylvania Master Naturalist, Hospice of Lancaster County, Soaring Spirits International, Angiosarcoma Awareness and Highmark Caring Place. Brenda won the 2009 Associated Content “Content of the Year” award, and in 2011 was named one of Wyndham Women’s “Women on their Way”. Most recently her love and loss memoir, Ebb from the Shoreline, won 1st Place Editor’s Choice in Nonfiction at the 2014 North American Book Awards. Sieglitz holds a degree in business and became a Pennsylvania Master Naturalist in 2015. In her spare time, she adores playing with her two nieces, going on family adventures with her husband, stepdaughter and son-in-law, hiking, camping and is working to complete her bucket list dream of visiting all National Park units. Sieglitz has been married to her best friend Dave since 2013 and continues to reside in Lancaster County with their two beagles Scotch and Fina.

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Comments 2

  1. Catherine Lockey April 7, 2011

    Thank you for this post. I too must figure out how to be whole in my new life since I lost someone dear to me. Your quote, “Recapturing the day for me is about figuring out how to be a whole in my new life, while still incorporating the reminiscences of the past-a past that made me the woman I am today. I am still fine tuning this process, adjusting myself and those who walk with me along the way.” is inspiring. Thank you.

  2. Wendy April 7, 2011

    I love that you refer to the “second chapter” of your life. It’s inspiring terminology, and accurate. It’s nice to focus more on writing the second chapter than on re-reading and agonizing over the end of the first.

    As for how to recapture those days, I like to make a point to do something to honor or celebrate Brian — eating his favorite kind of cake, or listening to a particular CD, etc. Something I can do that is enjoyable, carries fond memories, but that doesn’t own my day. (Restaurants and wine have the benefit of being a good way to enjoy myself and honor our memories and his loves at the same time!)

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