Slowing the “plans”, working away from the over-committing to avoid, just stopping and enjoying. Last summer, it was about being able to do those firsts without Kevin. Those first trips to the beach, camping alone, just moving forward with life without him. When I started 2010, I planned for life to be like that this year, but in a way that I could actually enjoy it. Camp and travel as much as possible, get away, do it all, and truly enjoy it this time instead of just doing it to get through it.
But now, as I sit on a couch with someone I am beginning to care about, listening to a serenade, and just stopping to take it all in and know that I can just stop sometimes to literally enjoy the music, well, it seems all good. My car is back with the mechanic, I’m still not rich (ha!), work is crazy but well, but there is no need to run from it.
Maybe I thought that by experiencing it all this summer I could at least see what this new life is about. When I stop, however, I find that I am happy. Rather than cramming five different plans into one evening, why not just stop and enjoy. Allow myself to think and process through these new emotions, scary at times, and just enjoy where I am, which happens to be here.
I’m here for a reason-speaking out about grief, raising awareness and funds for the big Team Sarcoma event this year, being around my friends and family, and just being here. I had a friend tell me a couple of weeks ago that she sees me staying in Lancaster. She sees the connections I have made, the relationships I have built, the community in which I have enveloped myself. Here? Really? Wasn’t I meant to be somewhere else?
Maybe someday, but tonight, today, for a while, I am meant to be here, and that feels really good. I do not want to run away anymore. I want to be in this.