I definitely feel stuck. It’s different than before. While at 6 months I felt in a grief coma, at almost 8.5 months I just feel stuck in grief. I see others who are widows moving forward, meeting people, dating, trying new things. I’m a bit jealous. I guess I wish the forward progress I was feeling was continuing. But instead, it’s at this awkward standstill between grief and freedom? I know I’ll never fully be free of this loss, but at the same time, I think I’m stuck between continually mourning Kevin and giving myself way too much self pity, and deciding to be happy and try new things and to be happy for others. It’s a very frustrating tug and pull contest.
I watched a dear friend get married yesterday. I wish them worlds of happiness. But that whole “sickness and health” vow in their ceremony choked me up. I wish we had always been in the latter and never the former.
Cynicism has been taking over my mind. I feel very bitter about what’s happened, very insecure in all that I do, and very angry at other’s situations and “how can they be so dumb” kinda thoughts. This isn’t me. This is cynicism swallowing me whole. It’s an ugly ugly thing.
I’m trying to come out of it, to take advantage of the good times and to try and brush past the times when the little devil guy on my shoulder wants to chime in, but it’s hard. I’ve always been a sarcastic person, but never very cynical because well, I think it’s an ugly thing.
But now, here I am. Self pity and cynicism galore and ugh. Gross.
I want to come out of this 8.5 month sludge that I’m in. I’m hoping my roadtrip to Toronto at the end of the month will help clear my brain when I go to see Kevin’s family.
If you can please keep financial concerns in your prayers for me. Trying to figure things out between medical, and going back to school, and all that annoying $ stuff. Please pray that doors open for me, especially in the way of the US-Canadian exchange rate! It’s something that’s weighing heavily on me right now.
Maybe tonight I’ll post better things. Going boating on the Susque with friends today-should be fun!