I am amazed at how much stuff we have to do to just LIVE and BE. It is absolutely ridiculous. Car insurance, health insurance, renters insurance, taxes, cleaning, cooking, laundry, car repairs, car maintenence, health checkups, shopping, etc, etc. Some of it is just so frustrting.

So because of my elevated cholesterol and my past year bout with Plantar Fasciitis (bruising of my heels) I can’t seem to get approved for any quality personal health insurance. I’m totally peeved. Because of this, I’m going to be stuck keeping my Cobra, which costs about double what I would be paying if I could get individual health insurance privately. It’s beyond frustrating. It’s MADNESS. I know I cannot go without health insurance, and it just angers me so much to have to pay this much out of pocket. Arg. Please pray that my funds hold out to continue to afford COBRA, or that another, more affordable, healthcare possibility comes through. I’m very annoyed and a bit worried.

Overall though, despite this battle, today has been a GREAT day so far! My friend Kristen and I walked to ‘Wish you were here’, a local quaint restaurant about 3 blocks from my apartment, where we enjoyed a fantastic breakfast before walking to our great central farmers market. I hooked myself up with some home-made cookies and fresh veggies. YUM! I then came back to the house, and cleaned and did laundry, before catching up with things on the computer and wating for my directv to be installed! It’s getting installed right now, so I’m very excited to have TV just in time for the Oscars tomorrow night.

Last night Kristen, Kristi and I went to see “He’s just not that into you”. Oh man, did that bring back the many HORRORS of dating. Something I certainly never missed, and am definitely not looking forward to entering anytime soon. Eek. Either way, it was very insightful and fun. Great chick flick, and yes, I think it is definitely a chick flick.

As for life, I’m doing ok. I am definitely still having some depression issues, but I am doing ok with them. It helps to be living with a friend who also lost her mother in the past year, so we’ve connected really well and can relate very much to the same pains and thoughts on grief, in different stages and situations.

My faith is still here-It’s just being tested everyday as I battle on through the sadness and despair. When I do pray, I pray for strength, for the ability to see the light. I have had a recent comfort in knowing that this is most likely one of the most horrid things I will ever have to face in life. Just knowing that most likely, I have been through the worst, and it can only get better from here is a great comfort. I no longer feel alone in this venture. I know Kevin is guiding from above, that God is protecting me always, and that my family and friends are always there for me through whatever stage I face.

But sometimes, all the pain and emotion overwhelm all that knowledge, and the sky looks black and angry. Unlike before in life, when I could look through the blackness and see hope and independence, it’s become harder and harder to see that. It’s frustrating and probably why my depression feels lingering and deep.

It’s hard to see the joy in a world that has handed you such a bitter beginning to this chapter 2 of life. It makes it hard to plan, to look forward to fun explorations ahead, or even to get up in the morning and go about my day and act “normal” (deep sigh).

I sit here just thinking in the quiet-and I don’t have the answers. I never will. I doubt I’ll ever even have a general understanding. But nonetheless, I still believe there is a purpose.

On Thursday, I had the pleasure of having my Aunt Jean over for dessert and makeup-always a good combination in my world. My Aunt Jean is also a widow, and it was so comforting to talk to her and just have a general understanding. While we all walk this journey on our own, there is a great understanding when someone else has experienced such a deep loss.

Just in my talking, I learned something about myself. My entire life I have always been a talker-I talk talk talk, trying to impress, feeling the need to prove myself. I don’t know if this is “baby” syndrome (being the youngest of 3), or what, but my self confidence has always lacked for whatever reason.

I talked so people would hear ME, and respect me. I never believed that in my weakest time-at my most vulnerable, when the last thing I was donig was trying to impress anyone, and I was just being real and open and honest and bitter and angry and sad and..EVERYTHING I never wanted to feel, that people would listen.

It’s, wonderful, yet intimidating. It just re-affirms to be the importance of being REAL in whatever skin you are handed. To be real in all situations, I just think that is so refreshing. We don’t get real anymore-we get fake, and conceited, and arrogant, and just deceitful. We don’t get real.

So, in my true realness, in my sad, lonely, bitter, raging, faithful, hopeful, dreamy world, I am weak, but somehow that appeals. It’s such a cool feeling to know I am accepted as me. As Brenda. As the under-confident, over compensating women who married a beautiful, amazingly strong man, and lost him bitterly to a rare, incredible cancer, in her weakest stage of life, in all her emotions and recklessness and abandon, she is loved and accepted by her family, her friends, her peers, and of course, always, by her Savior above. And that last one there, is all that ever mattered.

Thank you.