I look at this blog as my journal, but recently I’ve begun using a journal that was given me after Kevin’s passing by Thomas & Jackie H. To be honest-I don’t know if I’ve ever met this in person, maybe I have…but I believe Jackie took the time to print off pictures of Kevin and I from the blog and put them throughout this great journal. In the journal are also bible versus that are encouraging. It took me a long time to even open this journal back up, as seeing pictures of us was just a reminder of what I lost. I have now come to a point where I can open up the journal and smile at those pictures. I still feel an ache, and a slight fear at my reaction to seeing us together in the journal, but if it wasn’t for Kevin, I wouldn’t have started writing again, so He is forever my inspiration.
In this journal I began writing story ideas, thoughts I have-some on a world scale, and some on a grief/love scale. So, from here on out, most of the blog is going to be on these topics that come across my mind on a daily basis. I often think things, but can’t remember them by the time I go to blog-then my thoughts become jumbled and disorganized. Writing them down immediately allows me to process through the parts of grief that arise out of nowhere, especially the ones I’m unprepared for.
At 8 months out, I’m finding myself in a bit of an 8-month-coma just as I was at 6 months out. It’s not quite as deep, but even today I found myself catching my breath while driving the kids back to their house. It was just like my brain and heart finally met on the same level for once and agreed to realize Kevin is gone. When everything comes together to make me embrace that fact, my heart just about stops, my eyes start flowing.
So what’s next? God only knows.