We had love. Unexpected, beautiful, surprising love that was divinely brought together. Some have cherished, building, love that builds a depth in time. Whatever the love is, it is amazing. When you have had a taste of good, or grande, or great love, you seek it again. Even when the loss is so great, and you are burnt, hurt, or broken in spirit-when I think about how good that love made me feel, for a moment it covers up all the pain and makes me hope for another love in the future.
Last night when I was walking to Buchanon Park for a snowball fight with friends, I noticed a massive crack in the concrete walk. It was just starting to snow, and despite the light layer of flakes on the concrete, the crack was still quite visible, and even seemed deeper because of the falling snow. But I know that today, with nearly 10″ of freshly fallen snow, the crack is covered. Whoever walked across that walk may not even feel it as the snow has accumulated. But eventually the walk will be shoveled, the snow will melt…and the crack will be there. In fact, it may even be deeper because of the expansion of hot and cold weather.
The crack is always there. Even when your repair a crack, it is never “good as new” as it has weakened the structure. You can layer things on top of it, try to fill it in, but thus, it’s still a crack in the infrastructure. It’s weak. As I am.
I can layer life, job, hobbies, school, friends, family on top of my massive crack of grief, but it’s always there. Just when I start to move forward a bit from it, it exposes itself and again I feel broken.
But last night, when I got home and discussed true love with a friend, I felt the biggest smile on my face. A warmth based on the reflection of a once true love. I will never have what I had before, it will always be different. Love doesn’t have to be an amazing story-it can be just as beautiful in the simplicity of wanting someone by your side and wanting to care for them and create a union that will grow for years.
I am beyond grateful that I can say I know the warmth of that true spirit of love. I have experienced the ups and downs of love, the intense butterflies of falling in love, the amazement of committing to someone in vowels before God, the joy of building a union, and the heartwrench of watching a loved one suffer. I have had the cycle of love, and I am grateful.
I can still feel the hints of that feeling of love, but now there’s no one to share it with. On another snowy day in Pennsylvania, I wish for someone to share that with, to cuddle up with, to feel the warmth of love through union. Maybe not this instant, but at some point. I miss love, but I do still know love.