Worst Morning Ever?

I thought this morning, as I woke up and put my contacts in and my eyes immediatelly throbbied and watered so I took them out, and my phone didn’t charge right last night, and every pore in my body burns, this is the worse morning ever. Well, not really. I REMEMBER what the worst morning ever was, and it definitely wasn’t this.

But I really really really hate caribbean red hot peppers. I cut some up last night when my cousin and I cooked for my other cousin, and well, today I am paying for it. No, not heartburn, BODY BURN. Eyes, cuts, fingers, everything. Apparentlly I’m slightly allergic to caribbean red hot peppers. I’ll take a strong onion any day over this!

*sigh*

Trying not to be too annoyed by it, but it just feels “ugh” today.

Overall though, I’m doing pretty good! It’s hard to believe I’m already 2 weeks into this semester which means just 13 or 14 left. I like this countdown. 14 weeks sounds short! My classes (Business Law & English Comp II) are the perfect combination. Each works with the other quite well, and I’m enjoying the reading and learning. I am trying to embrace it, even if it isn’t always complimenting to my busy schedule.

I can feel parts of me slowly opening up again. I feel a vibrancy returning that I haven’t seen since before this cancer journey began. I still feel very closed and inhibited by my fears of getting hurt, or not having a plan, and especially not being in control. I am trying my best to be open instead of anxious, but sometimes it feels nearly impossible. My roommate tells me that after the official 1 year passing, she thinks I will feel a lift, that it fully takes that year to start to get solid grounding again. I think she’s right. Just about 1.5 months until the 1 year mark, and I hope within these next two months I make some major headway in the insecurities I have built up since Kevin’s passing.

Control has become a HUGE ISSUE. My former life of excitement and spontaneity has been replaced with anxiety and plans down to the minute. I miss being slightly a gypsy, and I want my gypsy soul to return. I can feel her in there somewhere…

Financially trying to figure things out. I am dreaming about taking a 2-3 weeks roadtrip to Montana in May and surrounding areas. If I take friends, I can split the costs which would be ideal. I really hope I can make it happen…

I’m getting there.

Brenda Sieglitz

Brenda Lee Sieglitz is an author and public speaker whose topics focus on travel, grief, and nature. Widowed in 2008 at 24 years of age, Brenda is an advocate for sarcoma patients, the widowed community, and conservation through her volunteerism with the National Park Service, Lancaster County Conservancy, Pennsylvania Master Naturalist, Hospice of Lancaster County, Soaring Spirits International, Angiosarcoma Awareness and Highmark Caring Place. Brenda won the 2009 Associated Content “Content of the Year” award, and in 2011 was named one of Wyndham Women’s “Women on their Way”. Most recently her love and loss memoir, Ebb from the Shoreline, won 1st Place Editor’s Choice in Nonfiction at the 2014 North American Book Awards. Sieglitz holds a degree in business and became a Pennsylvania Master Naturalist in 2015. In her spare time, she adores playing with her two nieces, going on family adventures with her husband, stepdaughter and son-in-law, hiking, camping and is working to complete her bucket list dream of visiting all National Park units. Sieglitz has been married to her best friend Dave since 2013 and continues to reside in Lancaster County with their two beagles Scotch and Fina.

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