I have been given a life of reflection. I always thought I was reflective upon life before, but certain situations in life cause us to look at things differently, to see a new perspective. I always felt like I had true, life experience. What I had was experience on some parts of life. Now, I have true life experience. It’s not to say that each of our journeys that we walk don’t give us some perspective, but some journeys certain give different people the tools they need to deal with nearly anything/everything. God gave us those tools for a reason, a purpose, most times a purpose beyond our own understanding.
I am a married women who lost her husband. Now a widow. It’s a devastating thing to think about. I have no clue why I’m meant to walk this journey, but I’m being handed bits and pieces along the way that show me, that through my tragedy, I am touching other’s lives. It’s hard for me to comprehend many times. But I am glad that my journey can give others focus and some new direction in their lives.
I am not saying that I necessarily feel it was worth it. I don’t know that any widow feels like it is ever “worht it” to lose their spouse to a purpose and journey that they may never understand. But then again, it all comes down to faith. My faith is hard right now. I plead to God for understanding, for direction, for ANOTHER purpose in life than what I have been handed. But I know that nothing can be changed in the past. The only thing I have now is a past. My future is unknown and completely un-directional. For once in my life, i have fully accepted not having a path or way to go. I no longer have a plan. For me, and those who know me, this is big. Huge, infact.
I can’t imagine the journey I have ahead of me. Do I work full time or part time? When do I REALLY start looking? Where will I live and make my home? How long do I stay living with my parents? How long will I continue to think about Kevin’s death instead of his life? How long will I stay angry at this disease and question God for why? When will this raw, intense pain go away, or will it ever? Is there anything I could have done differently? Why do I blame myself for things beyond my control? Why do I feel so alone despite being surrounded by an amazing God and great friends family? What choices am I going to make in this journey that I will regret later? Why do I feel anger towards what others say despite their good intentions? Where is my heart??????
There are way too many intense questions that I am asking, and too many questions that are being asked of me that are beyond trivial. I don’t want to deal with trivial right now. The legal, the medical, the financial…all these things are so trivial to me right now. They are merely fillers that are distracting from the big purpose that I am addressing right now in life. I don’t want to be asked those questions. Trust me, I wrote down those questions, and I think about them, but they are not the heart of the matter right now. They are not, nor should they ever be!!! (I type this shouting in my head)
Why have we, despite our tragedies, become so involved in the filler and trivial matters of life?? Why can’t we/others see the heart of the matter. The devastation that surrounds our lives…yes, it’s depressing. But for those of us who have been given the give of faith and love, why don’t we share that with the depressive matters of the world more? Why have we become so wrapped up in the filler?
Just a few of my reflective, angry thoughts swirling around. I can’t stop thinking about Kevin’s death. Watching that. It’s destroying me, and I can’t think of anything more right now. It hurts so bad to think about his suffering, his will to live, his determination. I wish I still had that. I wish I had him to push my willpower on, but each day, I feel like I’m losing him a little bit more. I hate that. And so enters grief counseling and exactly WHY I need to go.
It just plain hurts. It just plain sucks. Welcome to the life of a 24 year old widow who lost everything to Angiosarcoma. Where do I start again?