Good Morning everyone. It’s amazing how my body just WAKES me up at 9:30 even if I didn’t sleep well. Maybe it’s time to buy some blinds for this room. We’ll see…
I just can’t stop thinking about Kev, which is a good thing. As I said before though, it’s hard because those sad memories of his struggle are so fresh to me right now. I made myself go back in my brain and pull out some good memories, but it was still so difficult. This process is so hard.
Some things that have helped me immensely through this already though, is my support system of faith, family and friends. So, thank you for that. The other has been writing this blog. As I said before, it’s been so therapeutic for me. It helps me sort through my emotions, my thoughts. And getting those tidbits of love and support from all of you have been wonderful. I’ve also found a great online support group called Young Widows and Widowers. It’s absolutely amazing. I have found so many other people going through this trauma either because of illness, accidents..unfortunately even suicide. It’s been amazing to walk this journey with them, to ask questions I can’t ask anyone else and so on. It’s great for me.
Writing is truly my passion. My history on writing is sort of all over. Thanks to a great 8th grade teacher (love ya!) who spurred on my best friend and I’s passion for kooky poems, it sort of blossomed in me this dream to write for a paper…and then, to be the next ‘Katie Couric’. In 9th grade, we had to do a little research on someone we’d like to become, and I chose Katie Couric again. I researched colleges, everything on journalism and set my sites early on to go to Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois.
When it came time to apply to colleges, despite the severe price tag, I applied to NWU and was determine to get in. Mom and Dad fostered my dream, and drove me out there for a campus visit, and I was even more in love. I didn’t know how we would be able to afford it, but I was of the mindset that if I got accepted, it would all work out. But, I didn’t get accepted.
I was pretty heartbroken about that, and I think it sort of put the stop on my dream of wanting to be a journalist. I figured, if I didn’t get into the premiere school for journalism, it had to be a sign that this wasn’t the direction to go.
So, over the course of a few years, I tried Penn State, Montclair State University in NJ, and finally, Harrisburg Area Community College. I switched majors from Public Relations to Music Therapy, to business. I ran the gammet (sp?) of majors and schools,and to this day have not finished my degree. Nor have I figured out what I want to do!
I’m just over a full time semester away from finishing my associate’s degree in Business Studies. Even that, before Kevin got sick, didn’t excite me much, but the plan was to go back this past fall to finally finish something. Kev got sick, and that didn’t happen. And this spring? It’s not going to happen again, because I am not ready to commit to anything that major quite so soon. Dropping out of school officially is not an option for me-it’s just too expensive to do, and not finish.
Despite not having that official college diploma, I have had a lifetime of world experience. Because of not sticking with school, I’ve got to live in New Jersey, on my own in two different apartments in downtown Lancaster, in Missoula, Montana, and gotten to travel all over the country. I have dated losers, and 1 BIG winner. I have gotten into serious debt all for the sake of love and travel. I have worked a vast variety of jobs, none of which have I ever truly loved enough to call a career. I have seen much and loved even more. And I wouldn’t change a thing. I have a diploma in Life.
So…it’s interesting that this tragedy has brought back my love, passion, and apprently depth of writing. I could never find a story interesting enough for me to write into a novel. And now, I have.
It’s with this that I announce I am officially turning this blog, this story, our story, into a novel. I’m not sure when it will be finished. I’m not sure how it will begin. I just know that your encouragement, and the success of this blog and our story, has showed to me in numerous ways that our story needs told beyond this.
Kevin asked me when he first got sick, if I would write a book about our story, and it’s also a promise I made to him. I started writing the novel in the hospital, and just couldn’t do it. I never wanted to believe that his passing would actually come to fruition, but since it has, it has opened up my heart to want to tell our story.
I hope that in writing the book, that not only will I find some healing, but that it will help others. It will put out there the word ANGIOSARCOMA that no one knows. It will put out there the faith and love that we felt through all this and that others can too. It will allow other people to learn and grow with our story, and that maybe, in time, it will help them through a difficult situation.
As broken as I am at this point in my life, helping anyone else is important for me too. In my healing. So thank you for fostering this confidence in me that I didn’t have before. I hope I make you proud.