Sometimes your body screams NO to you. My mind has been yelling at me for a long while, but it’s taken a bit longer for my body to catch on. Yesterday, it begged for mercy and so did the rest of me.
Two nights ago I went to bed with a slight backache. I woke up around 3 am in agony and popped 3 ibuprofen before situating the pillows *just so* so I could lay down without being in complete pain. I tossed and turned the rest of the 4 hours before finally dragging my beat up body out of bed to get ready for my day. It was while standing in the mirror getting ready for work that I realized this was not my typical back ache. This was pain circa 2003 when I had such a bachache that I could not bend down to tie shoes and I went to chiropractic appointments three times a week for 6 months to be able to walk normally again.
When I was trying to stretch out my back though, I realized it wasn’t even that type of pain. this was different. It was traveling down my left leg and I could not fully extend my leg without feeling the need for tears. My leg was locked. The more I tried to extend it I felt more pain and eventually began getting tingly in my toes. Not a good sign. I was scared. Freaked. Call the doctor? This didn’t seem like an option as my office manager had just left for a 3 week missions trip the day before and I knew I was needed in the office all day. What was I going to do? Medicate, hydrate, ice, PRAY.
Driving a stick shift to work was excruciating. Sitting was uncomfortable. Walking was difficult. But I kept working at it. I kept drinking, medicating as necessary, icing back then leg as the pain shifted. By the end of the work day spasms continued but the immense pain was nearly gone. I was just left with a heavy discomfort and a very weak left leg.
When my brain is shouting no, I can shut it off, ignore it. I can go “but I NEED to get these things done” and ignore the things my heart is really calling to embrace. When it’s my body shouting I cannot ignore it. I can only plow through the pain for so long before I become unfunctioning.
My overcommitment has driven me to a point where my brain gave up and my body went “Ok, so you won’t listen to us, well we’ll make you” and froze me up. I had to do what my body needed from me. I needed to take care of my needs first. While it was a completely unproductive day work-wise due to my pain, I put myself first and got the basics done. Nothing extra, just enough to get by for both situations.
It’s time to start taking my heart and brain for serious. It’s been yelling at me long enough, how about I listen?