“Some religious institutions and belief systems resists and distrust the suggestion that nature and spirit are related.  Suspicious of environmentalism as an ersatz religion, they perceive a creeping, cultural animism.  This belief, which runs deep in American culture, is perhaps one of the least acknowledged but most important barriers between children and nature.”

~Richard Louv Last Child in the Woods

At the town hall pipeline meeting the other week, when politics was presenting itself a little too much, I stepped in to express that we, as a group against pipelines, did not support one political side versus the other and that this issue was not a political or religious issue.  My peer, Malinda, disagreed with me, stating that it was a deeply religious issue for herself.  Looking back on the meeting this morning, I heartily agree with her.

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This week I saw chunks of my life reflected back at me, but I should say, my previous life.  I felt the palpable ache of loss when the bright yellow HVAC truck passed me once, then twice, this week.  “The reminders are everywhere,” I thought.  Whether I choose to actively engage it depends on the moment, but this week, I was engaged and reactive.  I saw it, and I intimately felt the loss of him.

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I’m working on being more in tune with myself, my emotions, my beliefs and morals.  At one point in this process I had to compartmentalize my emotions to get through certain things and to be able to enjoy parts of my life more.  I had to set some things aside for a while, particularly grief, but then I was beginning to wonder if those parts were beginning to eek their way out of their box.  I could feel it seeping into other areas of my life and now I believe I left it alone for too long.  My motto through grief has always been “you have to feel it to get through it” and I think I haven’t done much of that feeling part for too long.

I look at the other factors in my life right now and wonder if it’s just that I’m overly sensitive and hormonal right now, but I think that’s an easy cop out for just needing to feel the grief emotions again.  In the next month I’ll be meeting up with my mother-in-law (late husband) and late husband’s cousins in Toronto over the same weekend that I’ll be attending Camp Widow.  Exactly a month before the 6 year anniversary of losing my husband.  Talk about trigger.  Sometimes I wonder if I set myself up for certain things so I just can just feel it all and then move forward but in this case, I think the timing and location just worked out that way.  Planning for the trip reminds me of the trips him and I made to to Toronto to visit family, and then the trip I made solo to visit them after he died.  Bittersweet memories.

So now I’m recognizing these things, these losses in my life, more actively.  The compartment walls are breaking down.  I want to see it as a step of growth, that I’m capable and strong enough to live my life in sync with all areas of my past.  That I can fully function in the present with the memories and input from the past.  It seems messy but I feel strong enough to be OK with messy.

Much of this comes from my years long challenge to define my faith, to step into a belief that is so much bigger than myself, than a  denomination, but is all encompassing through love.  The quote above is what I read this morning.  I think I’ve been nodding in agreeance  throughout this entire chapter that shares about the connection of spirituality and nature.  My solid safe place for the past 6 years of grieving has been nature and in the past year I acknowledge that is it because of nature that I still believe in God.  It is because I see God’s power and grace written all across the fields and forests around me.  They are intertwined and whole together.

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As soon as Malinda stated that her faith and this pipeline debate were closely related I immediately agreed with her and regretted my statement.  But I had said it to keep things in line, with the best intentions.  This morning I reflect again on this and believe that to be the truth.  When I drive home from work and look across that beautiful swatch of cornfields, bordered with trees, I know that this is what we want to protect.  We want to protect nature.  I want to protect my faith.  I want to protect the place that makes me feel safe enough to grieve.  It’s all intertwined.