I am slowly but surely learning that life will go on. The past 24 hours have been extremely difficult. Lots and lots of tears and emotions flooding through. I had a horrible night’s sleep last night after a long cry, but woke feeling better with my cold, thankfully! It allowed me to spend the day with my sister and friends and just enjoy being out of the nest I’ve made here at home while being sick.
I’m still not tip-top, but I am heading in the right direction, thanks to anti-biotics. As for the pain, the anxiety, the horrific bitter taste in my mouth of complete loss? Well-that’s still a LONG way to go.
I’m learning to cry on others, rather than cry alone. It feels better to be held while crying I am learning. I’m also learning that while it’s ok to cry, it’s also ok to move forward to LIVE life and not to be in a cacoon. I never did well in a cacoon, so why should I now?
I’m trying very hard to find a job and line something up for the beginning of the year, however, the job search is not aiding me in this task. For all those dealing with unemployment, it is a bitter struggle right now. This economy is harsh, and the jobs that are available are few and far between. I am hoping that I can at least get in with a temp agency, or I may possibly look into getting on with a geriatric care home that will pay for Certified Nursing Assistant training. Just somethings I’m thinking about.
I really want to get a job, and get back on my own two feet again. I love being close to my family, but having lived on my own for about 5 years, it’s hard to be back with your parents no matter how wonderful, supportive, and not to mention CHEAP it is. I guess I want a bit of my independence back, I just wish it weren’t for this reason.
I really really really miss Kev. I miss so many things about him that I can’t even begin to type them. I miss most of all that I’m going to MISS out on what could have been a long, fruitful life together. However, I know that for God’s plan only, that was not meant to be.
So, after many tears and heartache, I am slowly learning that my life will go on, I will move forward. I will find love again in many different ways, I will find a good job that suits my needs and I will be able to live on my own again in a place I choose. I will write this novel to fulfill the legacy of my amazing husband, I will put on my happy face and do the things I love just as Kevin would have wanted. I will be a blessing and beacon to others walking this lonely path that cancer brings, and I will push forward to promote awareness and donations to sarcoma research and possible prevention. I will lift up those around me, as they have held me up through this mess, and I will stand strong with the ones I love to help them fight the battles that need faught. I am learning that life will go on.
I am also DEEPLY aware of some other struggles…I mentioned previously my Triple J Cancer Squad-that’s what I’m going to officially name them: Jerry with esophogael cancer, Jennifer with Angiosarcoma of the heart, and Julia with Adenosarcoma of the breast.
My Triple J Cancer Squad is struggling. Jerry with complications from MRSA, and being unable to swallow, Jennifer with complications from her open heart surgery and continued chemo treatments, and Julia as she is a new cancer patient entering chemotherapy, masectomy, more chemo, and hopefully NOT radiation.
I want you to lift up my Triple J Cancer Squad. I am a true believer that things come in 3s. My 3 cancer SURVIVORS (and you are all survivors in my book), just all happen to start their names with a J-I think that’s no coincidence. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers CONSTANTLY. I think so much of my journey, and I pray that the Lord brings you the miracles he has in store for all of us.
Please continue to pray for my Triple J Cancer Squad, for myself, for Linda and Ken, for my parents, my siblings, and all of us going through the trials and tribulations that this devastating disease CANCER has brought to our lives.
…and Thank you. Thank you for Keepin’ it Kevin even when I can’t.