I know your parents are always your parents but the past two weeks have made me realize that I may have hit that point in life where we become more confidantes than parent-child. The past 3+ years haven’t been exactly easy on my family. Kevin’s illness & death, the struggle with conception of of my niece (who just turned 1!), cancer in both my parents, the loss of a grandmother and grandfather, and continuing health struggles all around. Sometimes I wonder why we haven’t all jumped ship?
My Dad gave us a scare over the past two weeks but seems to be doing better now. Seeing your parents sick or weak isn’t easy. Just as they want to fix your wounds, you want to heal theirs. As soon as I saw my Dad in the hospital the second time, I ran in bawling (so supportive, I know). I have had to work through my fear of death in therapy over the past year, and one of those issues is the concern I had over my father’s cancer (which is now in remission!).
I handled the deaths of 2 grandparents OK, and while it was sad, I knew they had lived long lives. They were both in their 80s and it didn’t seem so abnormal. But my fear of facing death in someone that’s not “supposed” to die younger than 100 is still very present. I don’t know how I’ll handle those deaths, as they are sure to come.
Trust is something I have to lean on – trust in faith, in the relationships that I am blessed to have with family and friends who support me, trust in myself to make it through, again.
Despite all that, I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to feel the pain and agony that comes with grieving. It’s hard. I’m ready for some easy. While I don’t want to live my life in fear of when the next death will be, I also want to pre-brace for that time. To grieve a bit while they’re living, to relieve the tension that health scares create, and to make it through the day. I don’t want to grieve for the living, but it’s hard not to.
How do you live for the day instead of for the dead?